FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
FAQS ABOUT TELLING SOMEONE
What is family violence?
Family violence is any violent, threatening, coercive or controlling behaviour that occurs in current or past family, domestic or intimate relationships. This includes not only physical injury but direct or indirect threats, sexual assault, emotional and psychological torment, economic control, damage to property, social isolation and any behaviour which causes a person to live in fear. It encompasses violence that might occur between family members, such as violence between siblings or across generations, in addition to violence between partners. (Victorian Department of Health and Human Services)
What is child abuse?
Child abuse is a (physical, sexual, emotional or neglectful) act by parents or caregivers which endangers a child or young person’s physical or emotional health or development. Child abuse can be a single incident, but usually takes place over time. (Victorian Department of Health and Human Services)
What is child sexual abuse?
Child sexual abuse is when any person uses their power over a child (under 18 years) to involve that child in sexual activity. It may include genital fondling; masturbation; oral sex; vaginal or anal penetration by a penis, finger, or any other object; fondling of breasts; voyeurism or exhibitionism. It can also include exposing the child to pornography or using the child for the purposes of pornography or prostitution. (Victorian Department of Health and Human Services)
Is it worth telling someone what's going on?
YES! If you can find someone who will understand and support you, it will help you deal with family violence or abuse. It’s okay to feel nervous about telling someone. For example, you might feel:
- embarrassed or worried about being judged
- guilty that you’re telling a family secret
- scared of not being believed or of being blamed
- afraid of getting someone in your family in trouble
- worried about making the situation worse.
But there are good things about telling someone, like:
- relief at finally getting the problem out
- feeling less alone
- getting someone else’s advice and ideas on what to do
- getting help to stay safe or to stop the abuse
When you find someone who really listens to you, believes you and supports you, it will help you feel better. Read these real stories to hear how talking about it helped other people.
Who should I tell?
A good friend can help you feel better by listening and giving you support. They might help you to work out what you can do.
But if you think that you need help to protect yourself or others, you should also think about telling an adult or a professional. Maybe your friend could go with you to tell a counsellor or a teacher, or call a hotline to get information for you.
Sometimes friends don’t know how to react. If a person you tell doesn’t help, don’t let that stop you from telling someone else!
Adult relatives or friends are often more confident about getting help for you so that the violence or abuse stops. An adult you could tell might be your mum or dad (if they’re not the one who is violent or abusive), a neighbour, a family friend, your friends’ mum or dad, your aunts or uncles, grandparents, older brothers and sisters, or any other adult you trust. An adult might be able to:
- provide a safe place for you to go when things at home get scary
- help you to talk to other family members about what’s happening
- contact a helpline or counselling service for you
- contact the police if you are in danger.
If the first adult you tell doesn’t help, try another.
A teacher, student wellbeing coordinator, counsellor, doctor or helpline [link to Q. How can a teacher, student wellbeing coordinator, counsellor or doctor help me] can also support you and take action to protect you.
How should I tell them?
It can be hard to know how to begin to tell someone about violence or abuse by a family member.
You could say: “Can I talk to you about something that’s happening at home?” or “I need to talk to you about something”
You can take your time and if it’s hard to talk about things, tell the person. You don’t have to tell them anything you don’t feel comfortable saying.
You can ask what an adult will do if you tell them about the violence or abuse and what will happen to the information that you give them.
How will they react to what I tell them?
No matter how someone else reacts, whether they’re shocked, doubtful, upset or confused, don’t let their reaction stop you from talking about it.
No one should make you feel bad about talking about violence in your family. You have a right to get help and you’ve done nothing wrong.
If you talk to someone and they don’t or can’t help you, keep trying until you find someone who supports you.
How can a teacher, student wellbeing coordinator, counsellor or doctor help me?
A professional (like a counsellor, teacher, school student welfare coordinator or doctor) can:
- Listen to you and help you work out what’s going on
- Help you to work out how you can be safe in your family
- Help you to deal with your feelings and the effects of abuse or violence
- Talk to other family members who could help to protect you
- Take action to protect you if you’re in danger
If I tell a teacher, doctor, counsellor or helpline, will they keep what I tell them private?
It can feel like you lose some control over things once adults know what is happening. However scary or difficult it might seem, getting help will probably be better than feeling alone or afraid.
Counsellors, teachers, doctors, nurses, and helplines have to keep what you tell them ‘confidential’ and private, except if they believe that there is a serious risk to your own or someone else’s safety.
If you tell a counselling service or a teacher about violence or abuse, they have a responsibility to make sure you are safe. If they think you are in danger, they might have to take action to stop it. If they are worried about your safety, they might contact a parent or relative who can help protect you, Child Protection services (a government welfare department see below) and/or the police.
If you’re worried about whether a teacher, counsellor or other professional will keep what you tell them private, you could try:
- sking them questions first, like: “will you keep anything I tell you private? If not, what will you do with my information?”
- telling them why you are worried about your privacy. They may still say that they have to take action if you are unsafe but at least they’ll know how you feel about it! They should listen to you and tell you what is going to happen.
The main reason a professional would have to tell Child Protection would be because they’re worried about your safety – it’s not because you’ve done anything wrong!
Remember – you are not to blame for the abuse and you have a right to feel safe.
For more information see FAQs about calling hotlines or support services.
What might happen if someone makes a report to Child Protection?
Child Protection is a government service that helps to make sure children or young people are safe from child abuse, violence or neglect. Child Protection can work with your family on the problems that are causing the violence or abuse.
What might happen if I ring the police?
If you are in danger or if you think someone else is about to get hurt, call the police for help on 000. Their job is to make sure people are safe and to investigate if a crime has been committed.
the police and law can stop violence or abuse
Read the True Stories to find out more about what other young people did.
FAQs About contacting hotlines and support services
A helpline or counselling service is there to listen to you and help you to understand what’s happening, how you feel and what you can do. They will have spoken to lots of other young people dealing with family violence or abuse. They won’t judge you or put you down.
If you or someone in your family is in danger, call the police on 000 immediately.
What if I’m nervous about contacting them?
Many people feel a bit nervous ringing a helpline. The helpline counsellor will understand if you feel like that and can help you to feel comfortable talking to them.
You don’t have to tell a hotline or phone counsellor your name if you don’t want to.
Some services have email or web-chat, which might make it easier for you to make contact with them.
If you’re nervous about contacting a service, you could ask a friend if they can ring or email a service for you.
Remember that you have a right to get support and help. The violence or abuse isn’t your fault.
What should I say when I call?
The counsellor will understand if you don’t know where to start or what to say. There’s no rush – you can take your time.
One idea is to start by asking about their service first so you can get a sense of what the counsellor is like. For example, you could say, “I just want to find out what your service does”.
Another idea is to start by saying something like, “I want to talk to someone about what’s happening at home”.
Or just start by saying whatever comes to mind and the counsellor will take it from there.
Will the call show up on a phone bill?
It is possible the call might show up on a phone bill but it depends on the type of phone bill you receive and the service you call.
Calls to Kids HelpLine are free and are unlikely to show up on your phone bill as the service has arrangements with the main phone companies to make sure this doesn’t happen.
If you are really worried, you can call for free or if you have a private email address you could use the email or web chat to contact a helpline or counselling service.
Will they keep what I say private?
Yes, calls are usually kept private and confidential. A hotline or counsellor won’t tell anyone else what you say to them.
The only exception is if you or someone else is in danger of being hurt. A hotline or counsellor has to make sure you are safe. If you tell them you are in danger of being hurt by someone else, or that you are seriously thinking of hurting yourself or someone else, they will need to take action to make sure you are safe.
Where possible, they will let you know if they are worried about your safety and need to involve other services. The counsellor will encourage you to give enough information about yourself (like your name and where you are) so that they can call the ambulance or police.
Will a hotline counsellor talk to my parents / carers?
A hotline or counselling service is confidential. That means they don’t usually talk to your parents or carers, just to you.
If you want help to speak to your parents, carers or family members about what’s going on, a counsellor can help you work out how to talk to them. In some cases, the counsellor can speak to parents or family members for you. But if you don’t want anyone in your family to know you called, that’s fine.
FAQS ABOUT LEAVING HOME
If home is not a safe place to be, you don’t have to put up with it. You can get help to become safer. You might be thinking about leaving home, but that’s a big step to take. If you do decide to leave home, it should be to stay somewhere safer. If you’re thinking about leaving home, talk to a trusted adult or a hotline or service first about your options.
When can I leave home?
If you have permission from your parents or guardians, you can leave home at any age. If you’re over 18 you don’t need their permission.
What might happen if you leave can depend on your age and situation. The information below applies to people in Victoria. To check out the law about leaving home in your state, see the Lawstuff website.
What happens if I leave home and I'm under 17?
If you’re under 17, it’s not a crime to leave home without permission if you’re leaving because of abuse or violence. But if you have run away and your parents or family members are worried, they can contact the police to report that you’re missing.
If the police are contacted, they have a responsibility to find you and make sure you are safe. If the police find you:
- They will ask where you’re staying and why you ran away. It’s important to tell them if you’re worried about your safety at home.
- If you can show the police that you have found a safe place to live (like staying with relatives who are looking after you or a youth refuge) they might let you stay there. The law is not concerned with people under 18 who leave the family home if they have a safe place to stay, money to support themselves and are not involved with illegal stuff, like drinking alcohol, taking drugs, stealing or prostitution. The police can tell your parents that you’re safe and don’t want to go back home. If the police know there is violence or you are being abused at home, then it is unlikely that they will force you to go back there.
- If the police decide that you don’t have a safe or stable place to stay, they can contact Child Protection.
- If Child Protection get involved, they will decide what needs to happen to make you safe (see Protecting children and young people).
Remember, if the police get involved, it doesn’t mean you’ve committed a crime! The police, courts and Child Protection have a responsibility to protect you from the abuse of others, not punish you because you tried to get away from it.
Where can I stay?
Go somewhere safe. Contact a youth support service to help you find somewhere to go
The options might include:
- Staying with a relative, grandparent or friend. If you have a caring relative or adult that you trust who can provide a safe place to stay, this can give you a break from being at home so you can sort things out.
- Staying temporarily in a youth refuge or residential accommodation service. These are houses for young people, run by welfare services.
A youth refuge may be a temporary option that offers a place to stay for a few days or weeks if you don’t have any money or anywhere else to go.
Most refuges accommodate several young people at a time. Refuges usually have rules to make sure that young people staying there are safe.
Most refuges are managed by youth workers who stay there too. They can help you to sort things out, like organising money, schooling, and somewhere safe to live.
To find out how to contact a youth refuge or accommodation service, see ‘What services can help me?’
- Renting a house: Renting means that you pay money to the owner of a house (the ‘landlord’) or a real estate agent, to live in a house.
You can look for rental places by contacting a real estate agent or by looking at real estate websites. It can be tough to find a place to rent when you’re young because landlords often discriminate against young people.
Renting is expensive, especially to at the start. You may need to pay rent each month in advance and a bond (usually one month’s rent), as well as connect services (like electricity, gas, phone or internet).
If you can’t afford to rent a house or flat on your own, you could find a room in a shared house that you and other people all rent together. There are online ads for ‘flatmates’ or ‘share houses’ or ‘shared accommodation’ in your area.
- Paying to ‘board’ in a house. Boarding is when you pay to live in a house together with the owner of the house. Like Airbnb but for longer. In many boarding situations, the owner provides meals.
- Applying to live in public housing. Public housing is a house or flat owned by the government. It is cheap compared to renting from a private landlord.
There’s a waiting list for most types of public housing, but if you’ve left home because of violence or abuse you may be able to apply for priority, which means that you can be pushed up the waiting list and get in quicker.
To find out about these options talk to one of the services listed.
What if I don't have much money?
It can tough if you leave home without much money to live on. Basically, your options when it comes to having regular income are to:
- Get help from a family member
- Find a job. In most states you need to be 15 years or older to get a job or to leave school. For more info on this, see Lawstuff. To find jobs you can search online for ‘jobs’ or ‘employment’ in your area.
- Apply for Centrelink (government welfare) payments. Centrelink can help you financially in an emergency, or if you are homeless or don’t have any income. You may also be able to get other help from Centrelink like emergency payments, rent assistance (money to help you pay rent), training courses, or a health care card (this gives you medical care at lower cost).
For more info on government payments, visit the Centrelink website.
A youth support service can help you with financial questions
What if I have to leave home?
If you’ve had to leave home, it’s a good idea to stay in contact with your parents, carers or another trusted family member, so they know you’re safe. This will reduce the chances of you being ‘picked up’ by police. You don’t have to tell your parents or carers where you are when you contact them.
There are services for young people who have left home or who are not in a stable home situation (these are called ‘Reconnect’ services). They can:
- support you to make contact with members of your family if it’s safe to
- provide practical support with finding a safe place to stay
- help you to build better relationships with family members
- help you to stay connected with school or education
FAQS ABOUT CHILD PROTECTION
Every state and territory government has a department responsible for protecting children. In Victoria the Child Protection program is part of the Department of Human Services.
What does Child Protection do?
Child Protection makes sure children and teenagers are safe from abuse, violence or neglect. They give advice and sometimes get involved to protect children and young people under 17 years’ old who are not safe at home. Being exposed to family or domestic violence between your parents or the people that care for you can also be considered an unsafe situation.
Who can contact Child Protection?
Anyone can ring Child Protection to report that they think a child or young person is in need of protection.
You can contact them yourself if you’re worried about things that are happening in your family. They are a good place to ring if you think that people in your family can’t keep you safe. If you ring them to get information, you don’t have to give your name if you don’t want to. If you don’t want to speak to them directly, call a service like Kids Helpline and they can help you to talk to a child protection worker.
What will Child Protection do if someone calls them?
If a child protection worker is contacted by you or someone else, they have a responsibility to make sure you’re safe. These are some of the things they can do:
- They will listen to the person who contacts them and ask questions to try to work out what might help your family and whether they need to get involved
- They might give advice to the person who contacted them
- They might make arrangements for other services to support you and your family, if they think this will help to keep you safe
- They might decide they need to find out what’s happening in your family to see if you or other family members are safe. They might meet with you in a safe place (this could be at school, in an office or at home, depending on the situation) and ask you to explain what’s been happening, in your own words. You tell them what you need so that you feel safe enough to talk to them. They will also talk to your parents or other family members to find out their point of view about what’s been happening.
- If they think you haven’t been safe enough, they will try to help your family to stay together in a safe way. They will look at whether or not your parents or carers can protect you from violence and abuse, and what support your parents and carers need so they can care for you properly and safely.
- If there is family violence, Child Protection can support a non-abusive parent to deal with the violence and try to make it possible for you to stay safely together. For example, if your dad is abusive or violent towards your mum, Child Protection can support your mum to get a family violence order that can protect both of you from violence. They can also organise for your dad to have counselling to help change his behaviour.
What can Child Protection do to make me safer?
If Child Protection believes that your home is not a safe place for you, it’s their job to do something to protect you. For example, Child Protection might:
- organise for the abusive person to stay away from you or other family members
- organise for the abusive person to have counselling or support so they can change their behaviour and care for you safely
- get the police involved if a criminal offence has been committed
- organise for you to stay somewhere else for a while (for example, with other family members, relatives or friends, or with another family). This would only be as a last resort if there is no other way for you to be safe (see next question)
- apply to the Children’s Court for an order, if it’s needed to keep you safe.
What can Child Protection do to make me safer?
No, not necessarily. Removing a child from their home is a last resort if the child or young person is at unacceptable risk of significant harm and there’s no other way for the child to become safe.
In most cases, Child Protection will work with your family on the problems that are causing the violence or abuse. They will link family members into support or counselling services to provide them with support and can organise support or counselling for you.
What can Child Protection do to make me safer?
It’s natural to feel nervous about speaking about personal things to people you don’t know. You might worry that they won’t believe you or that you won’t have any control over what happens next.
Child Protection workers are used to talking to kids and young people and they know that it’s hard to talk about abuse or violence in your family. They will explain that their role is to work out a way for you to be safe in your family and they will try to help you feel comfortable talking to them. They are used to hearing about really difficult situations. If you want to, you can tell them that you feel nervous, explain what your worries are, and tell them what you would like to happen in your family to make things better.
FAQS ABOUT POLICE AND THE LAW
Most abuse and violence is against the law. If a person in your family is abusing you or other family members, the police and the law can protect you.
If someone in my family is violent or abusive, is it against the law?
No one in your family should hurt or abuse you or other family members.
Many forms of family violence are against the law. For example, if one parent has hit another, the police can charge them with assault. Making threats or stalking (following, watching or constantly contacting someone) are criminal offences. Forcing someone to do sexual things is also a criminal offence.
Some forms of family violence are not recognised as criminal but they are still wrong because they make family members feel hurt, controlled or unsafe. Often these forms of family violence can be included on a family violence order (see below), which is a court order that can help stop family violence.
Many forms of child abuse are also against the law. Parents, family members and carers have to look after children and should not neglect them or abuse them physically, emotionally or sexually, or expose them to family violence.
Even if you’re not sure if abuse or family violence is against the law, you can still get help. You can contact the police to ask what they can do to stop family violence or child abuse. The job of police is to help everyone to be safe from violence and investigate if a crime has been committed. Child Protection services can also help to stop abuse so children and teenagers can be safe in their family.
What might happen if I ring the police about violence or abuse?
If you are in danger or if a family member is being hurt, call the police anytime day or night on 000. Or go to a police station.
You can contact the police any time to talk to them about abuse or violence – even if the abuse happened a long time ago.
If there is violence at home and you call the police:
- They will ask where you are and if anyone is hurt
- They can come to your house any time, day or night, and will stay at the house until they are sure everyone is safe
- They will try to find out what happened. They might talk to other family members or to other people who saw or heard the violence.
- If there’s enough evidence to show that a criminal offence has been committed, they could arrest the person and charge them with a crime. If the person is charged, they might be held in police custody, or released on bail, with conditions that mean they can’t contact family members.
- If you have witnessed this or are a victim of a crime, the police might ask you to make a statement about what happened and will help you do that.
- They might apply for a family violence orderb on your behalf. The order can help to stop the abusive person from being violent or stop them coming near you or contacting you or other family members.
- They can help your family to apply for a family violence order or the police can apply for you. The order could say that the abusive person has to stop the violence, or stop contacting family members, or that they have to stay away from the family home.
- They can help you or your family members to get in touch with counselling services
- If the police are worried about your safety or believe that members of your family can’t protect you from violence or abuse, they may also contact Child Protection. Child protection can help you or your siblings become safer in your family.
What happens if a someone in your family is charged with a criminal offence for violence?
If the police have enough evidence to show a crime has been committed, they can charge the violent person with an offence. For example, if the police have evidence that one parent has punched or hit another, the police can charge them with assault.
or committing a crime, they may be kept in police custody for a while or released on bail, on condition that they do not contact or come near family members.
You or other family members can still be protected even if the violent person is not charged with a crime. A family violence order can help.
How can a family violence order protect me or my family?
Family violence orders (In Victoria they’re called ‘Family Violence Intervention Orders’, but in other states they have different names (for example, they’re called ‘Apprehended Violence Orders’ in NSW, ‘Domestic Violence Protection Orders’ in Queensland, and ‘Violence Restraining Orders’ in Western Australia) can help to protect family members from a someone in the family who is violent or abusive.
Family violence orders are made by a magistrate at a local court. The magistrate will decide what rules the order should include to protect family members. For example, the order might say that the abusive person:
- is not allowed to be violent, abusive or threatening to family members
- is not allowed to come near family members (for example, they have to stay away from the family home, or stay away from where family members work or go to school for a certain period of time)
- is not allowed to contact family members (for example, they are not allowed to email them, or phone them, or contact them on Facebook).
The abusive person must obey the rules on the family violence order. If they disobey the rules, for example, if they come near your house when the order tells them not to, they can be charged with a crime.
Who can apply for a family violence order?
The police can apply for a family violence order on behalf of the person who is being abused. Or the person who is being abused can apply for one through their local court.
For example, if your mum is being hurt by your dad, she could go to a local court to apply for a family violence order. If you or your siblings need protection too, you could also be included on the family violence order (for example, the order might say that your dad not allowed to contact you or your brother or your mum).
In some cases, young people who are being abused can apply for their own family violence order from a court (or an adult or police can apply for one for you). The order might say that the person has to stop abusing you or is not allowed to come near you.
Find out how from one of these services.
What can the law do to protect me from child abuse?
It’s not okay for a parent, family member, carer or another adult to hurt or abuse you.
If you are being abused, the law can help to protect you. In some cases, child abuse is a crime (for example, physically injuring a child or sexually abusing a child) and the abusive person can be charged with a criminal offence.
Even if it is not a crime, the police and other services can help protect you.
If you are afraid of a parent, carer or another adult, you can contact the police. The job of police is to help everyone to be safe from abuse or violence, and investigate if a crime has been committed.
Child Protection can help to protect children from being hurt or abused by a parent or family member. Child protection is there to make sure you can stay safely in your family, and can help your parents and family members to get the support they need.
Can I call the police to report abuse that happened a long time ago?
Yes, you can contact the police any time to report abuse that has happened to you, even if it happened months or years ago. Many forms of abuse and violence (including sexual abuse) are against the law.
It might be a good idea to take a trusted adult with you when you talk to the police, because they can help you when you make a report.
If you want the police to charge the person with a crime, you will need to make a ‘statement’ that describes what happened. The police will type what you told them (your ‘statement’), investigate it and decide whether there is enough evidence to charge the person with a criminal offence.
For more info, you could call a youth legal service.
Do young people have rights under the law?
Yes, you can contact the police any time to report abuse that has happened to you, even if it happened months or years ago. Many forms of abuse and violence (including sexual abuse) are against the law.
It might be a good idea to take a trusted adult with you when you talk to the police, because they can help you when you make a report.
If you want the police to charge the person with a crime, you will need to make a ‘statement’ that describes what happened. The police will type what you told them (your ‘statement’), investigate it and decide whether there is enough evidence to charge the person with a criminal offence.
For more info, you could call a youth legal service.
If a young person goes to a lawyer or legal service for help, could they get in trouble for drinking or taking drugs?
No, they can’t get in trouble for that. Any discussion you have with a lawyer is confidential. A lawyer can’t use any of your information or pass it on without your permission. They might be able to help you get support for what you’re going through, but only if you ask for it. A lawyer can only act on information about you if you tell them to.
Are there legal services or lawyers specifically to help young people?
Yes, in most states there are youth legal services just for young people.
For example, if you are in Victoria, there is YouthLaw
If you are in another state, go to the Lawstuff website and find out what’s available in your state, or ring one of the services listed on our site.