What to do
WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
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Ask what they think happened and how they feel about it
- ‘Do you have any worries (at school, at home, with friends)?’
- ‘What’s wrong? Is something bothering you?’
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Identify the behaviour as family violence and name it as violence:
- ‘It’s family violence and it’s against the law’
- ‘He is responsible, he’s choosing to use violence’
- ‘This is a big deal, violence is not okay. Ever.’
- ‘If someone in your family is being abusive or getting hurt, it’s not your job to fix it’
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Help them label their feelings
- I’m worried because you seem really unhappy’
- ‘I understand, that must’ve been really scary/hard/frustrating for you’
- ‘You’re very brave’
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Be supportive and encouraging, you could say:
- ‘It’s not your fault’
- ‘You’re a good person’
- ‘I’m here for you’
- ‘I hear you. I care’
- ‘You did the right thing by talking to me, I’m glad you did’
- ‘You need to take care of yourself too’
- ‘No-one has the right to make you feel unsafe’
- ‘What do you think you should do?’
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Stay in their life, try saying:
- ‘What can I do to help?’
- ‘Can I ring you in a week?’
- ‘Would you like to call me when it happens again? Don’t step in and try to stop it. You could get hurt.’
- ‘Let’s make a plan to keep you as safe as we can’
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Help them label their feelings
- I’m worried because you seem really unhappy’
- ‘I understand, that must’ve been really scary/hard/frustrating for you’
- ‘You’re very brave’
WHAT SHOULDN’T I SAY?
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Don’t judge, blame, criticise or try to find reasons for the abuse:
- ‘What did you do?’
- ‘You shouldn’t have done / said ——–’
- ‘Why does your mum put up with it?
- ‘Why doesn’t your mum leave?’
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Don’t say it’ll be okay or try to rescue them, don’t say, ‘I will fix it’
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Don’t promise it won’t happen again
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Don’t promise you won’t tell anyone
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If you’ve experienced family violence or abuse, don’t share your story
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Don’t say ‘he’s an idiot’ or something that demeans the person who is violent. The child may feel bad for continuing to love them and feel like they should defend them.
GETTING INVOLVED
You may be worried about ‘interfering’ in ‘private matters’ but doing nothing could be much worse than any embarrassment you might feel if you’re wrong. You can choose the level of involvement you have but the most important thing is that the young person confiding in you feels supported, seen and heard. You can read through this website with them and discuss the stories, videos and information. You could refer them to a service or you could offer your house as a place to stay if things get dangerous for the young person. You could be part of their safety plan — together you could choose a code word signalling it’s time to call the police or pick the child up and take them to a safe place.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
For a child
A child who has witnessed or experienced violence could feel different from everyone else, it can be very isolating. They might act out, withdraw, find it difficult to share or talk to others. They may be tired from lying awake worrying and this could affect their concentration at school. They may be looking after their mum or siblings, acting like the parent or they could revert back to the developmental stage they were at when the violence happened. You can:
- Be reliable, consistent and dependable. You might be their only source of much-needed stability.
- Be gentle, offer comfort and build their self esteem
- Be supportive if they cry or are sad
- Remind them that they’re not the parent, give them permission to be a child
- Go through this website with them to talk about the information, videos, games and stories
- Depending on their age you could engage with them through games they like, e.g. video games, apps or kicking a ball around
- They may play in a rough way or hurt others; this can be good time to talk about acceptable and unacceptable behaviour
- Reassure them that their feelings are normal and valid – anyone who is going through this would feel the same
- Remind them it’s not their fault and they couldn’t have done anything to stop or change it
- Remind them that you’re always there for them and a phone call away
- Tell them KidsHelpline has a 24/7 hotline (1800 55 1800) and online counsellors who can connect with them at any time of the day
- Get advice from a specialist family violence service, hotline or counsellor. 1800RESPECT has a telephone and online counselling service for family and friends affected by family violence, call 1800 737 732.
For a teenager
One method of supporting teenagers to cope with their emotions is to reassure them that all emotions are okay but all behaviours are not. People don’t need to pretend to be happy if they’re not, they’re also allowed to be afraid. Fear is an important emotion that can alert us to danger. We don’t need to bottle up our feelings. Tuning in to our feelings can teach us about ourselves and our situation. Teenagers who have witnessed or experienced violence may need help expressing their anger or frustration in positive ways. You could:
- Ask them to identify the feelings they’re experiencing
- Ask them what they want for themselves
- Ask them to choose what they’d like to do next
- Be gentle, offer comfort and build their self esteem
- Praise positive behaviour and values
- Be reliable, consistent and dependable. You might be their only source of much-needed stability.
- Help them find effective methods to calm and soothe themselves (such as breathing exercises, guided meditation, doing something healthy that they enjoy like listening to music, playing sport, playing games, watching a movie or talking to their
- Go through this website with them to talk about the information, videos, games and stories in here. Encourage them to participate in activities they enjoy, e.g. music, sport
- Encourage them to contact a hotline service or counsellor. KidsHelpline has a 24/7 hotline (1800 55 1800) and online counsellors who can connect with them at any time of the day. For more
- Get advice from a specialist family violence service, hotline or counsellor. 1800RESPECT has a telephone and online counselling service for family and friends affected by family violence, call 1800 737 732.
- ReachOut Parents: Video about how to support teenagers to care for themselves
For their mother
Research shows that one of the strongest protective factors for children and young people experiencing violence is a strong mother-child bond. It is common for abusive fathers to undermine the relationship between the mother and child as part of their abuse. If you can do anything to support the mother to maintain her parenting abilities, mental health and assertiveness you will be helping the child to survive this experience. You could:
- Notice anything she’s doing well and draw attention to it
- Avoid reinforcing her sense of guilt, self-blame and failure as a mother
WHAT SHOULD I DEFINITELY NOT DO?
- Don’t give advice or make decisions on their behalf. Lots of family violence involves undermining people’s confidence. Build the young person’s confidence by listening to them and supporting them to make good decisions that:
- Will keep them safe
- Be good for their health and wellbeing
- Be good for their future
- Don’t judge a parent if they are being abused. A lot of people ask ‘Why doesn’t she leave?’’ or ‘Why doesn’t she protect her children?’ without understanding how family violence works.
- Don’t judge a child or young person if they still love and care for their parent who is being abusive
- Don’t expect them to be brave or tough
- Don’t get angry if they show strong emotions
- Don’t underestimate the value of your support
- Don’t intervene with the person being abusive or violent, you could make the situation even more dangerous for the family or put yourself in danger.
- Don’t stop being available to that child or young person